And I do mean that with the greatest of respect. What exactly was her son? There is a HUGE difference between a mummy’s boy and a man who loves his mother. The Sunnah also confirms this command in many hadith. May he be disgraced! Only we can stop wearing ourselves out emotionally by allowing an interfering mother-in-law’s actions to be the arbiter of our own peace. One way to cope when your mother-in-law doesn’t like you is to read Reluctantly Related: Secrets To Getting Along With Your Mother-in-Law by Deanna Brann PhD. But you should … AMS has many facets, but it essentially boils down to a few things: it’s all about power, influence and control. I think we should start asking dua (if u r single) at most this Ramadan for understanding, appreciative, grateful, loving & muttaqi Mother in law/ father in law n the complete in laws . In that time, at least THREE of the suitors who came for her hand in marriage were medical doctors. 2. To anyone who is going through this also, May Allah grant us the strength and sabr to deal with everything InshaAllah ameen. If you're married, or in a long-term relationship, you know the question of in-laws is a dicey one. [Muslim]. Therefore, take heed and avoid confrontation with her in any way, because your husband will never take your side. Whatever our reasons, we cannot ignore the truth that sometimes, a parent’s actions or decisions may be toxic or … Maybe you can ask about his career to take the focus off yours. Create a ‘civil connection’ … That’s an interesting question – the answer to which is as complex as it is intriguing… so let me make this super easy to understand. Bad relationships with Mothers in-law -II, 1- When the religion of Islam was revealed to the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, it was the custom of the people of the pre-Islamic era to hate and detest women. It is tempting to fight fire with fire, taking digs at your MIL, calling … …But is it not sufficient concerning your Lord that He is, over all things, a … The second time it happened, the mother was unbelievably clingy to her son. Of all of them, it was only the ones who were doctors where the mother was a major obstacle. Your job as a mother is to set him up for success –not help him fail his marriage! In general, my advice to sisters who are considering marrying a ‘mummy’s boy’ is don’t marry them unless you like the idea of being married and bossed around by his mother. You CANNOT refuse a proposal on the grounds that you feel threatened by her, or you think a girl isn’t good enough for your precious son. This is not free reign to marry whom you please without any regard to the feelings of your mother, but this is a gentle reminder to all the brothers out there that statistically speaking, your mother is likely going to die before your wife, so choose your future partner carefully. Often, it takes a dose of reality from their son or brother, rather than you, to get difficult in-laws to back off. Long story short, we’ve been searching for someone practising for my best friend for a few years now. So father in law will continue abusing this. Abu Hurayrah, may Allah be pleased with him, reported that the Messenger of Allah said: "Allah created all (His) creation, and when He finished the task of His creation, Ar-Rahm (i.e., ties with kinfolk) said: `(O Allah)! As you can see from the above list, you really wouldn’t want to be around someone like this – so why give your marriage a certified death sentence by marrying a man whose mother displays these signs? How will you stand up for the rights of your wife when your mother mistreats her, because she thinks your wife isn’t good enough for you, or perceives your wife as a threat to her love? Your email address will not be published. Your mother is to be loved and honoured, but what about what YOU want? Don’t marry for the sake of having ‘someone around’ for your mother. Treat your mother-in-law with respect and consideration because she’s part of your family. That’s even more arrogant than the mothers of sons who HAVE achieved something in life. And if you happen to have rude in-laws, it can make your family life that much dicier.  Don’t get me wrong, not all in-laws are bad - mine rock (Hi JoAnn and Michael!). At this place I seek refuge with You from my ties being severed.' Topic: HOW TO DEAL AND OVERCOME THE CHALLENGES AND PROBLEMS IN OUR LIFE All praise be to Allah, the Most Merciful and peace and blessings be upon the Prophet Muhammad (saw), his family, his companions and the believers who follow them on the path of goodness. Method 1 Appeasing an Old-Fashioned Mother-in-Law My dad a few days later had to get out of the house because he was tired of dealing with my step-mom's mom always getting into his business. The mother in-law is human, and would therefore wish that her daughter in-law would treat her as a mother; she would not like being given the cold shoulder; in some cases however, the daughter in-law is not evil, but she may be unaware of some of the etiquettes of how to deal with her mother in-law. Maybe because we try to uphold the status of parents in Islam, or maybe because nearly all cultures of the world place a serious importance on respecting parents. If your father-in-law makes a negative remark about your career, resist the urge to defend your life’s calling. Being polite is not the same as putting up with difficult interactions; it is about not responding negatively or in a hurtful way. I would never ever suggest for anyone to disobey their parents or cause them grief. https://www.muslimmarriageguide.com/dealing-arrogant-mother-law-syndrome And because such guys KNOW their mum has done this (and this is usually through many years of brainwashing and emotionally blackmailing their sons, reminding them of their sacrifice and drilling it into their brains that they have to put them number one), they feel compelled to comply. Wow – you didn’t know that beforehand? — End . I’m in a predicament at the moment because of my Mother-in-law and the fact that my husband does not stand up for me when she insults and demoralises me. Get a book on golden advice for a Muslim. So fear Allah, and do not stand in the way of your son marrying for his future happiness or stand in the middle of his marriage. Many daughters in-law have forgotten the fact that their mother in-law was a mother before she became a mother in-law, and that the days will pass, and eventually, they will also become mothers in-law, perhaps to suffer in the same regard. [Quran 17: 23-24] The Messenger of Allah said: “The pleasure of Allah is in pleasing one's parents, and His wrath is in displeasing them.”. Severing ties: Some daughters in-law sever ties with their mothers in-law and never visit, or even have anything to do with them. You both disrespect her all the time. Inshaaallah!!! If you are having to deal with a toxic family member, then cutting off ties with him/her should not be a first recourse. I am afraid i have transgressed towards my mother. Since when is the love you have for your mother so weak and since when is your relationship with your mother so fragile that when your wife eventually does come along, you’ll forget all about your dear old ma? Now I should say that my best friend is practising, beautiful, caring, highly educated and works from home…and to top it all off, she can cook incredibly well. Marriage advice: Tips for dealing with a difficult mother-in-law in Islam I Mufti Menk (2019) - Duration: 9:03. If you feel aggrieved, don't let incidents sit. Such a life is a poisoned one, and one which contains many problems. It’s about a mother staking her claim as the only woman worthy of her son’s hard work, affection and time because SHE made the sacrifices to get her son to the level of education/study/work that he is currently at. Type #1: The “never letting go” MIL. Even if you have to grit your teeth, try to say something nice. Before you got married did you even observe or was it infatuation that you didn’t ask the right questions? This is because the mother is so used to her son complying with everything he asks, that she then expects the same from her daughter-in-law. I found the book Toxic Parents, Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Dr. Susan Forward helpful in defining and dealing with harmful parental behavior. Avoid confrontations but when push comes to shove, don’t be a doormat. So Allah said: `Then this is yours.`" [Al-Bukhari & Muslim] Imaam Al-Qurtubi said: “This is to inform us that Allah has granted these ties a high rank: that of one who took refuge in Him and was granted it; and one who is taken into the protection of Allah will certainly never be forsaken. All Rights Reserved. That is the haq that Allah SWT has given her – and one that YOU have no right to take away from her due to your own fears. After numerous visits between the families spanning over 4 months, she politely made an excuse that the distance between them (about 80 miles) was too great. This is especially so if the mother’s only provider and supporter is this son, because his role could have been that of the father in taking care of the affairs of the household and being his mother's protector, so the mother would feel that she has lost such an important son to her daughter in-law. Your mother is not going to be married to your wife – you are. In fact, as a sister, you should carefully watch how he deals with the women in his family, as it’s a good indication of how you will be treated too (Obviously, AMS is an exception!). Her mother-in-law is causing all sorts of problems in her marriage, and she doesn’t know how to cope. Your daughter-in-law isn’t trying to take your son away from you either – rather, she is trying to make a place in your son’s heart to keep him happy, and as Allah SWT has instructed her to do so. You may instead need to create a civil connection (see below). In fact, this mother made it clear that whichever woman would come into her son’s life would be looking after her and the home. She seemed to have trouble dealing with the fact that her son wanted to share his life with another woman other than her good self. Have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small.'" salama alaikum, av been waiting for this type of discussion I wish my husband could read this post, this is really troubling my marriage but I keep praying to Allah for enough patience and endurance. A real man knows what he wants and can respectfully communicate this to his family without feeling the need to comply to all of his mother’s wishes. Allah is the most just. Top Tips For Dealing With An Arrogant Mother-In-Law: If you are unfortunate enough to end up with an arrogant, interfering mother-in-law who feels it necessary to control your husband and your life, here are some ways to take the sting out of it: The final piece of advice for sisters dealing with a difficult mother-in-law and a mummy’s boy is to ACCEPT that whatever happens in life, mummy dearest will always be more important to your husband than you. Learn to see the difference! A NOTHING. awakening and inspiring. To deal with a difficult mother-in-law, talk to your spouse to develop a strategy together. Everything is out in the open with no room for misinterpretation. Islam being a code of life also provides the ways in which a Muslim can battle the hardships and get through them. And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say: 'My Lord! I define toxicity as words and actions that do harm to us. You do not need to agree with or condone what she does, but you do need to fulfil your end of the deal. Men in these situations are not playing the ‘dutiful son’ role that they THINK they are. The guy really likes my best friend… the two start talking and get on really well… until his mother decides for one reason or the other that actually, her son who is a Doctor is too good for my friend. Listen to your in-laws, and take their advice on these particular things. If the relationship is particularly damaged, seeing a counsellor may also help give you the tools and strategies you need to repair and maintain it moving forward. He will turn to her, find solace in her, feel comfort in her and spend his free time devoting attention to her, while in the background, the one who gave up her … She couldn’t find a single good thing to say about her. Wow! However, we need to strive in changing the undesirable so our families, friends, peers, and others can see the better of us. This could be due to the incorrect manner in which the daughter in-law was brought up, or to the repeated warnings that her own mother gave her regarding her future mother in-law before she got married. Hold yourself to your own standards With God’s comfort and our friends, we let go of the mom we wish we had, to gain wisdom and courage to relate to the real mom we do have. According to her, my friend looked ‘too old’ when in actual fact, she looks at LEAST 7 years younger than she actually is. After all, the mother isn’t going to marry the girl is she? In fact, one deluded mother made it very clear that her daughter-in-law had to be beautiful but submissive, intelligent and not opinionated, and should NOT be working. This is why in Islam, a man doesn’t need a wali to get married. It could be on the day of judgement that the only thing standing between you and Jannah is your behaviour towards your daughter-in-law, or your pride and arrogance that prevented your son from marrying the one he really wanted. There are many factors that contribute to the bitter relationship that some women have with their mothers in-law; some of which, on the part of the daughter in-law, are: Lack of respect: Respect for others is a fine quality to possess; it is never that it is practiced between people except that love and harmony will engulf them. Your daughter-in-law has no obligation to you whatsoever, and Allah will NOT hold her to account for it UNLESS she mistreats you. He had a part-time job in a call centre, was not practising, not educated, had no future aspirations and was certainly nothing to look at. A man who is a good leader will be able to strike the right balance between the rights of his mother and wife. Well as I have planned that I will keep my future mother in law happy , also I am praying a lot for understanding & loving Mother in Law with other in laws. He told me that she tried to apologize to him for the nightmarish dinner disaster. Assalaamua’Alaykum. For those who do have arrogant mother/father in laws. One of the least discussed issues among Muslims is the issue of dealing with toxic parents. SHORTIMAANBOOSTERS Recommended for you Some mothers become jealous seeing their sons happy and enjoying life with their wives; if the daughter in-law were to ever complain to her about any problem that might occur with the son, she would never support her; rather, she would side with her son, even if he was the one at fault; moreover, she would humiliate his wife and may even beat her. . Clingy, rude, arrogant, over protective, possessive, you name it he does it. Copyright © IslamWeb 2021. Your daughter-in-law is NOT your maid to tend to you and the house just because you desire it. Quran and hadith both contain information on the nature of the hardships and how a Muslim is to behave both physically as well as psychologically when faced by them. Psychiatrists say that this results from jealousy. Sometimes i wonder why i cant grow a thicker skin. That is okay. A woman, who by the mother-in-law’s own admission, can’t be controlled. Haarithah ibn Wahb, may Allah be pleased with him, reported: “I heard the Messenger of Allah saying: “Shall I not inform you about the inmates of Hell? She is not going to be responsible for your wife either – you are. The 7-types of Muslim Men Every Woman Has Come Across on Dating Apps, 7 Things Your Muslim Husband Won’t Tell You, Preventing the Girlfriend-Boyfriend Relationship, implies you’ll be doing everything once you and her son are married, seems to have the last say in all conversations, interrupts conversations you may have with her son and stops her son from speaking properly, is more interested in what you can do for them than what they can do to support you, will glare/talk down at her son when he says something she doesn’t like, is tactless in her comments, often saying something insulting or catty, makes it seem as if her son is outstanding and constantly makes you feel as if you are the lucky one, belittles your accomplishments in life or sweeps them aside as if they are not important, makes snide comments about your food/appearance/way you live, implies her son has had so many proposals and constantly reminds you of them, looks down at you and your achievements – especially if you are more stronger in certain areas than her son is. Allaah, The Exalted, Says...More. You have to accept that there are things your daughter-in-law can do for your son that you could never do. jazakallahu khairan. Mother in law does make matters worse because she is always there next to him covering his deeds in front of their son. We all know that maintaining family ties is important in Islam. On the other hand, the causes of the bad relationship can be on the part of the mother in-law herself, such as: Being harsh with the daughter in-law: Some mothers in-law are very harsh towards their daughters in-law, and also encourage their sons to treat their wives badly. [At-Tirmithi]. by eharmony. I once spoke to a lady whose son was a doctor (he was married) and was shocked at her attitude towards her daughter-in-law. And that, ladies and gentleman, is the problem right there. The first time this happened, the mother very coldly told my best friend that ‘we have decided to put all our cards on the table and keep our options open.’. Now my sister after marriage: One day when my husband went to talk to my mum regarding some family issues whilst I was at work, my sister is listening from her bedroom then she is disrespectful to my husband, she tells him to get away from mum and to send me to talk, but my husband is apart of the family and he doesn’t need my permission to speak with my … How to Deal: Have a one-on-one conversation with your in-laws about the circumstances. Interestingly enough, when we accidentally bumped into the mother a year later, her son was STILL not married. Recognize your parents’ behaviors is toxic. What an appropriate eye opening article! This Wednesday: 10 tips for getting along with your mother-in-law (or your in-laws, generally). Allah replied: `Would you be content that I treat with kindness those who treat you with kindness, and sever ties with those who sever your ties?' 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